One year of A-very Avery and a life update

Hello :p 

It has been some time! But I am finally done my first year of University, which felt so endlessly long but somehow also breezed by? 

I was able to take a trip to Vancouver in March and see my actual school campus, which was delightful and a much-needed travel experience as I have felt so stuck in a place recently. Although it was bittersweet thinking about the first-year experiences I could have had- I really did enjoy my time there. 

Now I am sort of at a loss for what to do in May. Where I live, in Alberta, the world is shutting down. Rallies of anti-maskers and conservative government systems exhaust and frustrate me more than anything. I have never in my life been in a position where free time is abundant but there is nothing to do (legally). Nonetheless, I am hiking a lot, painting naked paint ladies for commission, going through and selling my clothes, journaling, lots of pilates, and more little activities that occupy my days. I am starting to work for a food truck called Queen Bees every Thursday this month, they sell macarons! and I am currently reading Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. My favourite food at the moment is blueberries and I am rediscovering the song Shut up and Drive by Rihanna (and simultaneously how all the songs I listened to on my yellow iPod as a child were about sex ahaha) My mini cooper although cute, has been problematic lately, like me ;) and is getting a new alternator as we speak. I've seen my grandparents on my mom's side a lot recently which has been lovely.

 I have decided to use this time to harness my entrepreneurial capabilities and fully exploit myself in order to make a personal brand. I am going all-in with Youtube, blogging, Tik Tok, Instagram- you name it. I just want to see what it would be like. However, isn't it funny how your priorities change as you age? I came to the realization today that being famous might not actually be the most ideal end goal, and although my 7-year-old self that thought I would be a famous actress right now is crying, I mean it when I say that sometimes leading a small, unseen life might be more valuable than a large, observed lifestyle. I think this is me trying to say I want to go off the grid in a Volkswagen van and live in the Red Wood forest. Who knows! 

Another realization I came to was that I restarted my blog a year ago today! Of course, A very Avery started a decade ago when I was 9, but the rediscovered version has just passed its first birthday. Well, actually a couple months ago, but it wouldn't be me if it wasn't a late celebration. Buy a cake on my blog's behalf! 

I can't quite visualize how much I have changed during this year, but I think I have learned to listen to myself more, to rest, and to be okay with not being okay. So in honour of that, I am sharing two pieces, one about missing Paris (because I posted an Instagram reel of Paris in the summertime the other day and absolutely cannot watch it without crying) and also because missing Paris has been the theme of my life since I left her and I have decided to not care if it's annoying to listen to or hear about. I am speaking my truth dammit! I love being an irritating abroad girl! 

Secondly, a piece from my time in the countryside I wrote in my journal in approximately 5 minutes while I was probably too anxious to go see if lunch was ready in the castle. I come back to it now and then, it is one of my favourites despite the rawness and imperfections that come with writing on paper while lacking an eraser on the end of your pencil. 

As always, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Until I decide to write again xx 

1. I miss Paris so much these days. I dream in French and the memories are so vivid I almost burst into tears when I see a wooden 2 person table that makes me think of sitting on the K&B coffee roaster terrasse with Kate, planning our trip to Amsterdam. I didn’t expect everything to rush back with the warm weather. I did not expect to be this sad and this upset about a life that doesn’t exist for me there anymore. I want my European friends back, I want summertime au parc avec Hélier, I want to walk alone past the Seine one more time with a smile on my face and an endless appreciation to be there, in the city. I want to show my family how I lived. My favourite spots and the best bar in town. I want to develop crushes on skater boys, on swimming instructors, on strangers riding the metro, on boys walking down the street with nice outfits on. I even miss my nosy old landlady and her high-pitched voice. I miss my box apartment that became a sauna in the summer months. I miss sitting on the roof smoking with British boys. I miss spending too much money in Passy. I would give a lot to be there again, in June, watching the Parisiens flee to their summer homes while I bask in the glory of an empty city. All I ever needed was Paris, and now that I have gone 10 months without her I am starved.

2. If you listen closely, there are sounds that exist to soothe. Waves hitting the shoreline. Leaves rustling in the trees. Couples laughing. Pages flipping. Bees buzzing. There are places you have been where you will never be again, and places you will visit again, years later, thinking about how young and naive and happy you were. We're all just visitors. We flutter in and out of other's lives, we make an impact, we leave ashes and smouldering cinders, we heal, we appear when someone needs us most, we make legacies and history books. We leave. We come back sometimes, but not always. That is the part that stings. "Rip the bandaid off fast, it hurts less," my mother always told me.

It is important to understand that life is beautiful. But it is more important to understand that life goes on even when it's not beautiful. Making lemonade out of lemons and friends out of strangers. Knowing someone else's hand better than your own. Having passion. Staring at the night sky. Bleeding for something that wasn't worth it in the end. Remembering there is still light. There will always be the sun.