I miss Paris, but I'll be back when the time is right again

For the past week I have been moping. I bought the dark chocolate granola cereal and coconut milk at the grocery store just to get me out of bed every day, and then unwillingly would spend the morning hours packing and running errands, would reward myself with a long walk through the city visiting my favourite places, seeing friends for the last times, then back to packing. Add to that routine a fair amount of feeling sorry for myself, a run or workout, maybe some actual productive uni work, and finally off to bed way too late and dying of the 26 degree Paris temperatures in a room with no air conditioning. 

You see the thing is, I hate leaving places without knowing when I’ll be back. It’s an odd, unexplainable feeling. A kind of restless and reluctant “goodbye for now.” And even as I’m sitting in the Montreal airport writing this, I miss Paris. I miss my little shoe-box sized apartment and my daily commute. I miss my friends and the bakeries and the never-ending amazement I have with every corner. The unfamiliarity that became familiar over 10 months. 

So, as I sit here on my 4 and a half hour layover wearing the same mask I've had to wear for the past 10 hours, I’ve put a foot down on the moping. There are better things to waste my time worrying about, and I am lucky to have spent as much time as I did in a place most people only dream of going to. There are so many heart-wrenching events going on in the world right now that require more of my focus and energy. (If you're wondering my views on things check out my Instagram: @averythealien )

So, as a final adieu to my beloved Paris for now, here is a compilation of all my favourite random journal entries and unclear paragraphs I wrote about the city over the course of my time living there. I hope this inspires you to notice the beauty in your surroundings more, even if it’s what you’ve always known, something I’ll have to keep in mind as I return to my home town for the foreseeable future. I’ll be back as soon as I can be back, I miss all my Euro friends already ❤

1. 
It’s been rainy in Paris lately and currently, rain taps on my window as I try to doze off. The copious traffic from Trocadéro down the street is enough to keep me wide awake, that and the golden ambiance that is the Eiffel Tower peaking through my window. They say New York is the city that never sleeps but I would argue Paris is a close companion to that title. I guess they call it the city of love instead, don’t they. I have not found a tangible love but why would I need that when I fall deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of being absolutely infatuated with this city everyday. The neon runs all night long here and the musicians in the metro don’t stop, even when their only listeners are the rats that dwell beneath ground level. I would like to say I am at home here. Because it feels like a home, but I must remind myself I am just borrowing this tiny corner of the city for the time being. Someday I would really like to create a life for myself here. Well, I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, isn't it. I am constantly seeking new treasures in this city filled with trunks of gold. They spill over into the streets and make the buildings glow with a shine that is so widely known as Parisian, you can see it from a mile away. Glistening etherealness that yet, still feels old. Aged in the way that the cobblestone streets are cracked and the lamp posts whisper secrets of times when Kings thought they could control this city and its inhabitants. I look around me and I spy girls looking pretty in their leather jackets waiting in line for the club. Boys smoking cigarettes. Everybody has a baguette in their bag and a nice scarf on. The coffee shops are full and the tourists have been tucked away for the time being. Fall is upon us and the leaves here seem to linger a little longer for dramatic effect. Come October they will fall and force us to retreat inside for comfort against the pushy autumn breezes. These streets have seen history, and I cannot help but be in awe by their wisdom. Yesterday I ran up Sacre-Coeur and saw a boy and a girl sitting on the roof of a building. I was looking at a view people pay thousands of dollars to see every year and although the city is alluring- they caught my eye more. How lucky were they in that moment to have each other's company to dwell on while the gray skies surrounded them, a skyline of rooftops to gaze at, and a certain awareness that they were existing so wholly in an impeccable painting of love in the city most known for it. They were the postcard of romance and seclusion, secrets shared between two souls and carried through the wind all the way to the church bell of Notre Dame. I think about them a lot. I think about this city every second. It has cast a spell over me and now I cannot go back to being so clueless of it’s charm. Maybe if I play my cards right I’ll never leave. I would not mind being put under this sleepy trance forever.
Je t’aime pour toujours xx
September 27th 2019, 10:32am
-Ave

2. 

Bruised knees and sweet perfume in the air. 2:30pm. A bit wine drunk but mainly content. Day drinking on the Seine is a must do kind of weekend activity. I’ve felt myself letting go more recently, having fun more recently. I think the world has pushed me to its edge before but now I know how to handle it. How to brush things off and say “we will try again when the sun rises tomorrow.” Or “this will not get to me like it would have a month ago.” I feel things slipping away. People, places, old relationships, stress, unhappiness. And I’m letting them slide. I’m letting them slide because what will happen is happening and there is nothing I can do to deter the routes that the universe has decided for me. The path I am on is the right one, I feel it in my bones and I feel myself becoming more in tune with the idea I have of myself in my brain. I am outspoken and wild. Not reckless, just a girl who likes to dance when a good song comes on. Sit on rooftops in the pouring rain. People watch with a good cup of coffee. I’m seeking pleasure in the small moments. I feel like my intentions are aligning with what the world has in store for me- and something is telling me this is only the beginning of my journey. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be, in the perfect city, with the perfect routine and a healthy dose of spontaneity to challenge my anxious mind on a daily basis. -things hit you different when your daydreams turn into your morning view

September 30th 2019, 6:04pm

-Ave

 

3.

There was something so alluring about moving somewhere where no one knew who I had been before. No past life, no context. Take me for who I am and I shall take you for who you are, on your worst days and your best moods. I found myself evaluating people based on their kindness and generosity rather than social status and previous accomplishments. It’s refreshing really, seeing faces that don’t know your name or your story. They don’t know anything at all. There isn't a single thread that strings us together. And I love it. I love not belonging. I love reinventing who I am on a daily basis. I love seeing boys who make my chest pound and girls in the streets whom I envy for their effortless style or pretty faces. I feel like a shiny new toy in a Christmas window display, blankly people watching and day dreaming of relationships that have yet to become something, yet to attain any meaning in this world that is smaller than we think it is. 

October 4th 2019, 7:56pm
-Ave

4.
I laughed today when a stranger and I played that little game on the metro of “who is going what way and oops now we’ve bumped into each other several times” while I was exiting. There are too many blank faces that make it hard to be anything more than an impatient person transitioning on the train so I think the others appreciated the joke. A part of me begs to be simple, to not crave travel and adrenaline. But that part of me always loses. You see it is so easy to be happy these days. The skies are rainy but I like the tapping on my window. I go for walks and I people watch and I spend way too long picking fruits from the market and wandering the streets of Paris, with no real final destination in mind. I could see myself living here forever. I have no identity here, and I've been liking the ease of it. I have never found myself in a position of not being so overwhelmingly busy before, I am slowly but surely adjusting.
(This was a handwritten entry from my journal that I typed up for this)
November 14th 2019, 1:11pm
-Ave

5.
A year of doing things in twos. Moving, staying. Doubting, doing. Working, playing. For every sleepless night studying there was a wild one spent seeking sunsets and a paradise that existed in the real world, where I could touch it and bathe in the sunlight that spilled from it’s romanticism. I am not responsible to live up to people’s expectations of me. That was a palpable lesson I taught myself this year. I lived for myself, saw, and did for myself. Took a lot of risks and made uncertain decisions based off of questionable, anxiety ridden calculations for the most part. I am still searching for what feels like perfect harmony to me, where every facet of my interests can be in unison. I get closer every day, that is what’s important, taking the steps that will walk you nearer to absolute symphony. This year was an orchestra of all the best flute melodies, solemn lyres, deep cello notes and cymbals clashing together. It was everything all at once and then utter silence. This year's goal will be stability, and for someone who has used a lot of musical metaphors in this, I would like to finally learn to play the piano. Life has a funny way of  taking all that you have and then giving it back ten fold. So here’s to the next 10, I can only imagine what this decade will bring. Cheers to you, 2020.  
(This was from New Years, not really about Paris but symbolic for the first half of my year spent there)
December 20th 2019, 4:50pm
-Ave

6.

Driving in cars makes me homesick now. Especially at night time when the air is still and warm and the world drifts by sleepily from my window. Friends calling me at 1am crying and I’m thankful that they are. I’m thankful for the trust they have in me. There is this echo inside my head that whispers “you are alone in this.” While everything possible in my life points away from that feeling, I believe it because I want to. I do not want to rely on other people and I pay for that everyday. I pay for being so cold and passive with my sentiments. However, alone in company is better than together in misery, I think. It’s a strange world we live in. One where power oppresses and governance rules even if it isn’t in favour of the people. I have a head cold that is annoying me more than anything. My voice is frail and raspy because of it. I like the metro too much. I ride it for fun. Everything has never been better, and I've never been so confident in myself, in being essentially alone and single I mean. But I have the best friends and family I could have asked for so I am content. This is my dream city. I'd enjoy it whenever but I cannot wait for picnics in the sun and lazy days spent exploring. I have high hopes for Barcelona, it will be amazing. It is all going too quickly however. I blinked and it was February and I am changing my mind about my plans for next year again. I made a new Aquarius best friend with the same birthday as the old one. I think it’s a great replacement but I was reminded of the pain again. I wish my family would come here sooner, I’m getting impatient because I just want to show them so much but it’s so far away. My body is endlessly tired but I take care of it well. I nourish it with good food and herbal coffee and vitamins. And I overexercise daily. What is lacking is rest. I am always restless. Cons of creative people: insomnia. To conclude- the flowers are blooming and I have never felt spring touch the world this early before. It is a ripe beginning. I stopped imagining what was to come a long time ago because it kept exceeding my expectations, so I won’t write what I think will happen. But it will be grand. Talk later.
February 24th 2020, 8:03am

-Ave